STRUGGLES WITH FAITH
(WHEN OUR HEART’S HURTS STILL HAUNT US)

Faith has to do with how we see God. Can He be trusted with everything? Will He always be there for us? Does He really like us? Is He approachable? 

We often speak of our understanding of who God is as if it were something mental. Actually, it is both mental and emotional, and this sometimes produces a double-mindedness in us. We can know in our minds, for example, that God will always be there for us, and we can quote Scriptures like Hebrews 13:5: “… because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’”. At the same time, we can have another part of us saying, “But why is He never there for me?” Or we may be chronic worriers, which is a part of us saying, “I don’t really trust God to come through for me.” To take another example, we may understand with our minds that we are accepted by God just as we are because we are in Christ (Ephesians 1:6),[1] while another part of us is always saying, “I don’t ever feel quite good enough; I can never seem to measure up.” Where does this double-mindedness come from, and why is it so difficult to defeat? 

One possible source is in past, hurtful relationships. How do past hurts interfere with how we see God and how we relate to Him? Let’s take just one example.  

Suppose we grew up under critical parents or lived with a critical spouse. We could never seem to measure up to their expectations. Our self-esteem was severely undermined. Time passed, and we moved out of our parent’s home, or our marriage ended. We got on with things, but we never dealt with the pain of the attack on our worth by those closest to us, those who should have been there for us to encourage us and build us up. One day, we hear the gospel. We understand that God loves us, is there for us and wants the best for us. We receive Jesus and become a child of God. The messages we hear preached about this God who is now part of our life are so encouraging: God loves us; He wants the best for us; His plans are to bless us and not to harm us. We take it all in. This is exciting news! But when we come to pray, something different rises up in us. We begin to realize that, deep down, there is part of us that does not believe God will answer, does not believe God will pour good gifts into our life, and does not believe He wants to bless us. We can’t understand where that could be coming from, but we know it is unbelief and that unbelief is sin. We feel guilty, and we repent. But the next time we pray and ask God for something, we’re right back where we started from. After much confession with no victory, our unbelieving suspicions are confirmed in our own mind: God is not there for us; He may give others victory in their lives, but He’s never going to give it to us. The fact is, though, that God does want to heal this unbelieving part of us. He knows it is damaging is. So why doesn’t He, then?

In this example, the problem is not, at its root, unbelief. Unbelief is the fruit, but something else is causing it. That something else is past hurt. We have spent years being abused by another in the area of our self-esteem. That abuse and hurt have never been dealt with. When we start another intimate relationship, this time with God, the old hurts speak, saying at an emotional level what our parents or our former spouse always said either in so many words or by their treatment of us: “You’re not good enough. I’m not going to bless someone as bad as you. In fact, I’m not in this relationship for your good at all.” 

So what is the cure? The cure, if poor past relationships are the cause of a poor concept of God, is to do what we probably least want to do ¾ revisit the hurt. However, the hurt needs to be revisited in order to be healed. How is such hurt healed?  

(1)      Forgiveness needs to be offered to the one who abused us, and ungodly soul ties broken. This is sometimes a difficult step for people, and they end up making excuses for the offender instead of forgiving their sin. Here is an example: “Lord, I forgive Mary for returning our lawn mower to us broken, but You know that she has a lot on her plate right now with the new baby, and finances are pretty tight for her and Bob since she’s been on maternity leave. You know she probably didn’t mean to hurt me. So I just forgive her, Lord.” We forgive sin, not excuses. We need to be honest and admit the wrong that was done to us. And, since we are dealing with hurt at an emotional level as well as at the level of an event that we endured, we need to be honest about our reaction to the event. In the example of the lawn mower, it may be that we need to say: “Lord, I forgive Mary for returning our lawn mower to us broken, and for making me feel taken for granted, used and abused, and for breaking my trust in her that she would return my mower to me in the same condition she got it.”

(2)      We need to take responsibility for and confess any sins we committed as a result of the hurt. This would include such things as bitter root judgments and continuing resentments against the person who hurt us. So, for Mary, we may need to admit: “And Lord, I confess that two years later, I’m still mad at Mary and I haven’t spoken to her since that day. I’ve also never loaned anyone anything of mine ever again because you just can’t trust people to take care of your stuff.”

(3)      Jesus needs to be invited into the pain and asked to heal it.

(4)      Deliverance may be needed from such things as spirits of rejection, bitterness, and so on.

(5)      Old ways of thinking then need to be reprogrammed. This is perhaps the hardest part of healing for the wounded to understand. In our example, Mary was responsible for our initial anger and feelings of betrayal. However, she is not responsible for our anger and bitterness of two years later or for our general distrust of people. It is our choice to hold those things in our heart. People can get angry when first told this. Why? Because they still want to hit on Mary. Mary deserves no better. But the unfortunate thing often is that Mary has got one with her life and the only one hurting is us. And even if Mary is bothered by our ongoing bitterness, why should we still hurt year after year? She was the offender, not us. For us to continue to hurt is not justice; it’s foolishness. We are the wounded party, and we deserve to be set free.

Another way to look at our predicament is this. As long as we remain bitter toward Mary and harbour the distrust of others that entered our heart on her actions, then Mary holds a very important key to our happiness. And she doesn’t have it because she took it. She has it because we gave it. Odds are she doesn’t even know she has this key. There never was a time when we told Mary, “Mary, I want you to have this key to my happiness”, and she said, “OK. I’ll take it.” The giving of the key happened completely within our own heart. But that realization is also the key to our freedom. Because if we gave the key and Mary had no say in that transaction, then we can take the key back, and Mary has no say in that transaction either.

Still another way to look at this part of our healing is to say that we can choose our emotions. Most people are quite surprised at this. They think they are victims of their emotions. They are bitter and distrustful, and they can’t stop it. But the Bible very clearly says (Ephesians 4):  

22  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
23  to be made new in the attitude of your minds;
24  and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. 

God says we can put off the bitterness and distrust and put on love and generosity. We can put off the old and put on the new - the righteous and the holy. How can we do that? We can repent and renounce our old, sinful ways of thinking about the situation. And we can choose the opposite. So, in the lawn mower example, we might start by praying: “Lord, I confess my bitterness toward Mary and my bitter expectancy that I can’t trust anyone because they’ll all break trust with me. I choose against those things, I renounce them, I choose to turn from them. I choose instead to let Mary go. Mary, I’m taking back the key to my happiness, and in Jesus’ name I cut the ungodly soul ties between me and you. I’m setting you free. I’m not going to drag you around with me any more. And Jesus, I choose against the distrust I took into my life in order to protect myself from any future pain like the one Mary gave me. Teach me to be wise in my relationships and to know whom I can trust and whom I need to be careful of. I choose to be open to people again and to get to know them for who they really are, not for who I imagine them to be.” Then, when bitterness and distrust try to get hold, we can choose against those old sinful reactions and choose for the good. So, when we think of Mary and bitterness rises up, we can say to that bitterness: “In Jesus’ name, I choose against bitterness. I choose to let Mary go. Mary, you are forgiven and I’m not taking that back. I choose to love Mary. Lord, would you bless her?”[2] Eventually, our heart will get the message and change its tune. This is especially so for us as believers because God is also at work, with the new freedom He has to move in this part of our heart, to bring a full and complete healing.

(6)      We need to be in a caring group, where the people can model for us the real Christ who does love us, who accepts us as we are, who is there for us, and who builds us up and looks out for our best interests. 

SOME HELPFUL TRUTHS ABOUT OUR HEAVENLY FATHER 

When dealing with wounds, we can feel very vulnerable. Taking down our old defences, like our bitterness and distrust, can be a fearful thing. How will we then be protected and kept safe, we wonder? In these times, we may discover that we do not have a full faith in God to be there for us. Here are some truths that may help as we struggle toward a healthy relationship with our “Papa” or “Father” God. 

My Father Is ....

An everlasting Father - (Revelation 1:8)[3]
An ever-present Father - (Isaiah 46:3-4)[4]
A Father who loves me - (1 John 3:1)[5]
A Father who will never leave me - (Psalm 27:10)[6]
A Father who waits for me - (Isaiah 30:18)[7]
A Father who listens to me - (Psalm 116:1-2)[8]
A Father who talks to me - (Psalm 32:8)[9]
A Father who leads me to the best - (Isaiah 30:21)[10]
A Father who approves and accepts me - (Isaiah 43:1)[11]
A Father who corrects me - (Job 5:17)[12]
A Father who has mercy and is patient with me - (1 Timothy 1:16)[13]
A Father who provides for me - (Psalm 84:11-12)[14]
A Father who works for my good - (Romans 8:28)[15]
A Father who is interested in me - (Psalm 37:4)[16]
A Father who reaches out to the fatherless - (Hosea 14:3)[17]
A Father who knows me – (Psalm 139: 1b-4)[18]
A Father who loves me – (Lamentations 3:22-25)[19]
A Father whose love I can trust – (1 John 4:16, 18)[20]
A Father who is faithful to forgive – (1 John 1:9)[21]
A Father who is always there – (Hebrews 13:5)[22]
A Father who never changes – (Hebrews 13:8;[23] Malachi 3:6)[24]
A Father who will meet my needs – (Philippians 4:19)[25]
A Father who will guide me – (Proverbs 3:5-6)[26]
A Father who gives us peace – (Philippians 4:6-7;[27] John 14:27;[28] John 16:33)[29]

Sharon Currens