When Adam and Eve sinned, they ran and hid in shame. And human beings, born in sin, have been running and hiding in shame ever since. Christ completely removes our shame but, as Christians, we may never have lost the hiding habit. We sing about coming to God “just as I am”, but we often come pretending to be someone we’re not. We may arrive at church service broken-hearted and without a clue as to what to do next about our problems but, when asked how we are, will say, “Oh, fine. How about you?” Our life may be so difficult that we seriously doubt God has a clue what He is doing or, if He does, then He’s out to “get us”, not love us. Yet if someone says “God is good, isn’t He?”, we’ll say, “Amen to that.” We can be furious at God for all He’s allowed to happen to us, yet come to prayer and say, “Oh God, Help me, I pray, with all my problems. And than You in advance for all You’re going to do.” Have you ever been to a prayer meeting where someone has said, “God, my life sucks, and I’m seriously wondering if You give a fiddler’s hoot about me or if You’re as all-powerful and all-good as You say You are. You sure aren’t living up to the advertising right now.” And yet, someone in at least one of those prayer meetings must have felt like that.
Some Christians are scandalized at the idea of being that honest in God’s presence. Which is somewhat ironic because they probably have a theology that says God is all-knowing. So if He knows it all anyway, and we know that, why do we try to hide it? It’s probably true that some people would be scandalized and reject us and so we may want to avoid being fully honest in prayer meetings for that reason. But, let’s be honest, we do this in our private prayer times, too. Why? God isn’t going to reject us if we’re honest. He’s the friend of sinners (Matthew 11:19;[1] Mark 2:17).[2] He loves for us to “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
Truth be known, it’s us we want to fool. We don’t want to look that honestly at ourselves. We don’t want to face the fullness of the pain inside us. We don’t want to know how huge the personal mess is that we have to deal with if we ever face up to it. We don’t want to have to admit we can do nothing on our own even though Jesus told us that squarely (John 15:5).[3] So we keep stuffing our pain and putting a brave face on over our personal mess, and we get on with our lives.
This is a serious problem for Christians who want to know God intimately because we cannot share with God hat we refuse to look at in ourselves. And if we hope to know intimately the One who calls Himself the Truth (John 14:1),[4] we need to become friends with the Truth, including the truth about ourselves.
Some of us have been running from ourselves for so long that we have no idea what the truth about us is. However, you can’t meditate forever without discovering what that truth is. The silence, stillness and receptivity, without judgment and with full acceptance, that you create within yourself in meditation forms a welcoming place for all that hurts and is wrong within you to come and make itself known. It will come in the hopes of being received, heard and healed. The fact that it comes is not a fearful thing. Nor does it mean that meditation is causing havoc in your life because inner pain and distress are suddenly there. It means that meditation is now opening you to the healing of issues that you have carried within yourself for perhaps years.
But what do you do should you find yourself in this situation? Here is where another mental attitude should be introduced - trust. Trust in yourself and your feelings. Trust in your own God-given intuition. Trust that you, above all others, know what is best for you. It’s listening to and trusting you. Christians in particular can rely on their inner resources because we have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16)[5] and God’s anointing (1 John 2:27)[6] to add divine wisdom to our own.
So ask yourself, “What should I do with this pain or mess? And take some time to mindfully consider that question. Use beginner’s mind and look at it and at yourself and your issues from all angles. Practice patience in waiting for the right course of action to make itself known. Above all, avoid running again, trying to convince yourself that maybe things aren’t as bad as you first thought. Your life doesn’t need to be a complete disaster to qualify for help moving toward wholeness. Jesus’ goal for us is to “be perfect” as the Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48).[7] Anything that isn’t perfect deserves attention and healing and care. Always remembering non-judgment. No beating ourselves about the head, feeling stupid, thinking if we’d tried harder we wouldn’t be in this mess. Healing is all about accepting, welcoming, caring and nourishing. Move in that directions with your hurting self.
Days 28 and 29
Do the body scan meditation. If you encounter pain at any point during the scan, try to stay with the body part that hurts or the body part that causes emotional pain to rise in your heart. Look at it - with its pain - with beginner’s mind.
· How does it feel exactly?
· Does it get worse or better as you look at it, or does it stay the same?
· What is your attitude toward it? Are there any thoughts or emotions attached to this pain?
Breathe in and out of that body part and that pain. Then let it all go on an outbreath and move on to the next body part. Say “goodbye” if that helps in letting go. If it is difficult for you to shift attention from your pain, remember that you can shift your focus to what “holding on” is like. Or you can keep your pain as your focus and observe it. Be careful, though, not to get carried away in your own reactions and thoughts, which can be quite strong when it comes to pain. If pain is your focus, you are merely an observer, noticing sensations, thoughts, emotions and so on, but then, having seen them, letting them go of them one by one.
Day 30
Do the body scan meditation. If you have been encountering pain in this meditation, be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, and are wondering what you should do about it, then take a few moments following the scan to mindfully consider that question. Use beginner’s mind and look at it and at yourself and your issues from all angles. Practise patience in waiting for the right course of action to make itself known. Always remembering non-judgment. This is an exercise in receiving your hurting self with a view to caring for it, not a rejection of it hoping it will just go away.
[1] The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, “Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” But wisdom is proved right by her actions.
[2] On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
[3] [Jesus speaking] I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
[4] Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
[5] “For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.
[6] As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit - just as it has taught you, remain in him.
[7] Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.